I was born in Sacramento, Ca, on January of 1982.
I don't have a lot of memories of my infancy and toddler years except for what my family happened to capture in photographs. By the looks of it, I was wild, rambunctious and sometimes quite the performer. I was the first child so just about everything I did was precious to my parents; not to mention, all of my extended family as well.
My junior high years at Terra Del Sol were no big deal... almost like they didn't happen. I was never popular or part of the in the crowd... in fact, I stayed away... but still, I wasn't an outsider or an outcast... I knew everyone but most people knew that I was a person of strong convictions. For that reason, most of the trouble makers didn't even bother with peer pressure. Wish there was more to say but the most I remember about this time of my life was how carefree and worry free it was. When ever I see kids this age, I wonder where all the time went because it really feels like yesterday to me.
My high school years at El Capitan were great and bad at the same time. But seriously, these for years actually forced me to grow up... too quickly. Not to mention, I was starting to have serious thoughts about my being different from everyone else. I wouldn't be able to come to terms with any of that until my sophomore year. But what I did focus on was my schooling, my friends, and thoughts of what a bright future might be. A college degree, a nice house, a nice career, a nice wife, a nice family, a beautiful Car... all of these things were so visible, I could almost touch them.
I finally realized that the beautiful picture I had painted in my imagination was never going to happen. Not because I wasn't capable of success, but because I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay. It was not a phase like I thought it might have been.
I spent most of my time separated and alone in my room, and I didn't socialize with very many people. I couldn't deal with who I was. All my life, I had been taught that being gay was disgusting, perverted, and evil. From what I knew, being gay meant that I wanted to be a female. I didn't know how to feel.
To be totally honest, I got very close to suicide. I had a strong feeling that everyone would be better off without me since I was Gay... I'm sure once things got out about me, I would definitely be a failure and a disgrace.
I really don't know what kept me from quitting... it might have been fear of death or the love I had for my family and friends.... coming out for me was so uplifting and liberating that everything since doesn't compare. Since those days, I have fallen in love, been hurt, been hit on, been able to discuss my feelings with friends, joke about myself, and joke about others... all in a way that was totally not possible before. Not that I changed my personality or my beliefs... but the idea that I could actually say whatever I was thinking instead of having to hold back actually gave me a new take on life. One of the best things is how I have completely changed the view of many of my friends. Now, guys that probably wouldn't have cared if someone told a gay joke, would probably kick someone's ass if they were to even look at me in a threatening way.
I can't claim that everything is perfect now. I watch the news and see that many people just don't understand who I am... yet they still seem to know enough about me to tell me I'm a horrible sinner. My philosophy is that no one is handed a perfect hand. Even the rich, the strong, and my straight friends have problems to deal with... mine are just different. Now I'm back on track with the goals I had when I was 18 and getting ready to graduate from High school. Only difference is that now, I won't be marrying a wife in this lifetime.
So, that's where things stand with me now. I love my life, I love my friends and family, and I love the organizations I help run, though I wish I had more time for them. Still, I feel complete and fulfilled in a way that I thought only a relationship could do that for me. I'm not saying that I've given up on love because I'm definitely a romantic. I guess what's changed is that I don't look down on myself for not having found love. Instead, I am proud of the fact that I have loved some great people and that I am more prepared now in my life to be a good partner for someone. So yeah, I'm optimistic, happy-go-lucky and hope everyone is fortunate to feel the same kind of self-realization I have. Hope you had a great day and sorry if I bored you reading this.
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